to be honest i don't really know why i'm doing this. well, because i'm bored for one, that's true.
i also think i don't feel. sounds rough i know, but it's something i've been thinking about a lot more in recent days.
to be clear, i do feel. i cried so much when seeing when the little panda fell down the stairs in kung fu panda
when i was 4 that my parents had to take me out of the theater. i feel. i just don't register it.
i think it was a protection mechanism of sorts. of my feeling inadequate. you see, my head is like a bingo cage.
and the little bingo balls are my thoughts. sometimes there's balls in there that i don't want to have there.
like my grandmother and her dementia. like how i feel about my body. like my fear of my country.
so i fill it up with things that comfort me, things i know, things that make me smile.
like my little dreams about celebrities and movies and books, like the history of catalonia or the idea of revolution.
and that spins. in my head. all the time. just going round and round. and as long as my mind is busy with all of that,
i don't feel. my mind is so busy with the "unimportant" balls i put there the ones that would cause feelings drown.
i'm numb. to everything. and maybe that's good. maybe it isn't. maybe i would be able to show more love, if i let
myself feel it more. maybe i would be more creative. maybe i would be worth more.